Then something changed. Not sure what it was. So, I decided to attend a church prayer meeting. I had in the past. But there were a few simple words someone spoke, that just drove something. I had always wanted to step out. I always have had thoughts that I wanted to do more, but these thoughts popped into my head so much that I even coined them as my "popcorn thoughts." I had any idea and every idea..from movie nights to women's days to Bible studies. But the truth is, I never did much with them. So as we attended this little conference my own then 7 year old accepted Christ. As a momma, I was so unprepared, so much so that it was my mother that took him to the alter. That as it should be should have been a proud day. And it was. But, what kind of example am I setting for him now? Happy in my comfortable complacent life? Yes, that was what I was.
Saying that his new found relationship with God is what moved me would be an understatement if there ever was one. More like lit a fire! That hunger that many talk about, the chills that many have felt, those tears I long to shed, all came. The desire to never leave my little comfortable spot..going day by day. But with growth comes looking back at the past and even your current life, those that are in it, what you are doing, what you might do. Journaling now has become an awesome friend, something I though only younger people did, sort of like a diary. But within this, I have written pages, taped them, torn them out, left them at the alter to be lifted. I have smiled when I didn't think should have, found new friends, become enlightened. I have sat at my computer desk, shed tears, thrown myself on the floor, and felt chill bumps like non other, discovered new ways to communicate and found that I was in a comfort zone that I needed to break out of. A hunger never filled is so what I experience now.
But not without its own forced self-examination. Through all my joy in my own growth and my son's, there are times I feel like I have hit a brick wall and can't move it. In the past few weeks, friends have left me, habits and things I once joyed in has become more second to me. But, not all is rainbows and lemon drops.In the midst, my husband's father was diagnosed with cancer and another revealing to me that was just let's say less than thrilling. Pray it out, yep! Yesterday was one of those days. I looked deeper in myself and prayed that what I was doing was for all the right reasons. I examined my own heart, and what I found just kind of appalled me. I saw what I did in the past, my current feelings, and even my own heart at that moment wasn't as pure as it should be. And man, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was ready to run, to shut myself up in a room because I am not worthy of what I should be. When I should have asked for prayer and strength I chose not to, and when I asked for it, I got little. Because, I think, I have to look inside myself and fight my own battle and resolve my own feelings and ask for my own forgiveness, and forget what I have done for myself. Cast off that yoke if you will! Look at Christ, perfect without sin, put to death. Me a sinner, able to live a happy life freely. Why, because He paid the price for my deeds. I can enjoy this life thanks to Christ. The yoke of shame you don't have to carry around. You don't have to settle. You can move, you can grow, you can take joy. Just where you place that control, that hunger, that desire can make all the difference of what zone one can be in and how you react to the world around and how you grow. So while I didn't exactly put on sack cloth to examine myself, I sure do feel lifted! and in that I maybe even we if anyone reads this can be reminded that in 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17 May the Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father who loved us and by His grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.
